randall, darling, look at this:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=oG7TedAwzKw

ps - i love you, just so you know.

i'm totally infatuated with this boy named randall.

something more

Dear God,

I don’t come to you nearly enough. Why is this so? Confusion sets in and I’m but a lonely child in a world gone awry. I feel really lost and perhaps this is solely because in truth, I am. I am without you, though I’m not. I know you are always with me. Why is it that sometimes I can feel so close to you and others I feel as though my life is leading simply to a point of no return, of nothingness, and death is so scary it feels as though life is not worthwhile? I can’t explain the dualities in my heart. I can’t explain the beating passion to live a life that has worth, that has a distinct purpose and that is driven by that purpose, day in and day out. I want a life where pain is meaningful, and love is abounding. I feel as though I’m just floating through, worried about the things I cannot change, that only you have control over. Yet that very fact is what makes me question myself and ask how could I worry about the things that you have control over? After all, if you are the one in control, you will work it out according to the Divine way of life that my heart desires, but this other side of me wants to hold on to my own selfish need to have a say in what happens to me. I live in fear, even knowing you are there reaching out to me telling me not to worry because there is more in store than all of this. But God, I feel so alone, so dead. I feel like none of this is worth it. I look into the future and like always it seems desolate. Life will only defeat me, and this is true if I hold on to it. How do I let go? Why is it so simple to conceive yet so nearly impossible to apply? I cannot imagine life without you, but I want to have life with you much more fully than I already do. I feel as though right and wrong has become so indistinguishable to me now. It all seems black and white and I can’t find the blessings anymore, the truth, the light, the way, the life in all of it. Where is this peace? What have I done with it? Where is this understanding that you have overcome this very world I tremble at? Why do tears fall from these eyes on so many days, while my heart is dying for you to come in? I have the choice, why is it so impossible for me to choose you? I need to know. I’m smothering in all of this filth around me without you. And maybe my eyes are closed because I know you are there, surrounding me. You saved me. I’m tired of the worrying. I’m scared of doing something wrong so much that I’ve lost touch with what it means to be your child. Convictions have turned into stressful worrying, regret, and hopelessness. I know this is not what you want for me. Help me to turn this all around because I don’t want to give up. Let me keep him, Lord. I’m terrified of losing him. Why am I so afraid? Are you going to take him from me? Is that why I’m so scared? Or is this merely a trick of the heart by Satan, who wants shame to come unto me? I don’t want to be scared anymore. I want to live in the kind of life you have set for me which I know entails pain, but not this kind of worry which eats away at my very soul. Show me the light again and help me to turn this, my life, over to you. I need reassurance that you aren’t going to snatch away what I feel like is a blessing from you. It’s paradoxical almost, I know, and perhaps it seems insane, but I’m being driven mad with worry that I will lose what on this earth is precious. Remind me of who you are. Reveal yourself to me.

Amen

so tired. so sick and tired.

that's it.

fuck the media.

america is a gushing wound and all we can do is put a bandaid on it? attend to the problem instead of trying to cover it up. i shouldn't be sitting her at 12:45 contemplating whether or not i should eat tomorrow, missing THROWING UP, something that should be a vile and disgusting idea that is dreaded, but i am. i am sitting in my bed, wondering if i could get by on some coffee and minimal food intake tomorrow, all because somehow being thinner seems like it would make me happier, even though it never has. i'm 19 years old and my life has been dictated by food since i was 13, and the worst part is, i'm not alone. people DIE because of the battle to eat. an 88 pound boy can look in the mirror and see fat when all that's there is skin and bones. we are a nation driven by a dream of monetary wealth and a good body. when did we forget about health and a happy marriage?

6 years i've been struggling with it. i've woken up day after day to see if maybe my stomach looks a little bit smaller and if my clothes look a little bit better on me, checking reflections everytime i pass a mirror or window, sucking in belly fat so as not to feel like the cow that i think i am, and thinking about everything i eat, even if its healthy. obsessive calorie counting, yoyo dieting, exercising, purging, starving, hating myself, wasting precious moments of a life that only happens once on a false dream that will not wave a white flag.

we all hurt. i can't help but point my finger at greed, because that's truly where it all begins, and where it began in the beginning with the Fall. greed overturned the life we were intended to have. corporations want big bucks so if sex sells, which means sexy bodies, then you can bet its going to be unavoidable to the common person, who's not airbrushed and doesn't have a personal trainer and who's diet consists of more than gelatin-soaked cotton balls (the food of models - this is not a lie). we're afraid to be real, to hurt because it's part of us. intead, we fear our pain. worry that we are the odd one out, no one understands us, or even belittle our problems, and with all of this going on day in and day out, moment after moment, our life is run by this false dream we are all chasing after blindly and relentlessly.

i'm tired of it all. i'm sick. i'm tired. i'm sick and tired of it. all of it.

i'm tired. i feel like i've been beaten up. i've been crying off and on all day and i feel overwhelmed by stress. i'm worried about everything it seems. mostly things that are out of my control. today could have been a good day for me to attempt to get some work done but i can't seem to make myself do it, i'm too sad. and that's how i feel, sad, more than anything. i really feel depressed. lindsay is about to come get me to go to the bank and i'd rather just lie in this bed. i just lie here and cry off and on. life seems like a bad dream. i feel guilty for even being upset. i just feel like the future isn't going to be good, like i won't get married or have kids or get a job that i actually like. it seems like life will end before it ever gets to that stage. what am i supposed to do about next year? why does money have to play such a big factor in everything? it just makes me sick that people are starving and some people have everything. im bitter because i cant just know that i could move into a one bedroom if it was possible because its so much more expensive. i feel guilty for even being in college and living in a two bedroom apt. next year. i should embrace being in this situation but ive been immersed in this pool of people that have it pretty damn easy financially and things have been rocky for my family since 7th grade. i went through bankruptcy and when my stepdad died, my mom got nothing. my dads got too many people to take care of and has a job that doesn't pay as much as his other job and i cant rely on him because hes too busy to even send my allowance on time. all i do is complain. itd just be better if i disappeared.

i dont think i'll be happy until i'm married. somehow, that seems to be the only real stability i can hope for, and i don't mean just financially. but i'm sure i'm in for some kind of rude awakening. i've still got three years left of college and then who knows what i'll do after that with grad school and what not. i want to know that it's not going to end. i'm crying just thinking about it. i think God's in control but somehow that idea just seems so abstract. divorce is so high whats the point? yeah it doesnt have to be that way but what makes me think that i dont have that same trait that everyone else does for divorce. i don't wanna lose randall and i'm so scared that i will. i'm just a big pathetic mess.

plath

http://www.angelfire.com/tn/plath/insomniac.html

excerpt from the legal pad diary

written 12/28/05 @ 3:19 pm.

she writes in waves only the mind cound concoct, but even still only the heart could interpret, with emotions so full they spill onto the page with life, something much of the time unknown to her. the release is had as the pen touches the paper in rapid succession.

tear pen, tear into these fragile ideas and suck out the very marrow at its core, she requests.

the idea of a sting of death is banished to her now, covered by something new, something far better. life isn't foreign, but surrounding her with a sense of need, of belonging. if only she could make real the notions inside of her, pleading with her to be uncaged. the idea of no fear in death is still so uncertain, beating inside of her one moment and fleeting the next. she wants concrete belief. she wants this idea of life to come before the one of death, both so inevitable.

she pleads with life to bleed from her pen, from her eyes wracked with fraught, from her wretched and frightened body and soul. she prays these mere scribblings on a page are enough to give as an offering, an exchange for what she cries out like a blinded child for - life.


i added some stuff to it today. it was really really rough. still is. but i wrote it when i was deeply in need of writing on paper rather than burning it so as to welcome toxins into my lungs.

an avoided unavoidable

When I walk around campus, especially today, I keep seeing people that bother me. I'm not meaning to be shallow, as it seems as though I'm just going on face value, a trait that our society undoubetdly streses as being of top-tier importance. But no, it's something deeper than that, at least to the extent that i'm addressing. I see this deep trouble with people, the human race, really - how pain is dealt with. I have a problem with people who avoid pain persistently and try to hide it with this facade of confidence and joy in their unblistered outside appearance. So as i take my steps towards my last class of the day, elliott smith's legend whispering lovely realities in my earts, i am plagued with questions - why avoid something so distinctly ours? This pain we want to push out, cloud out, bleed out, in whatever methods of "relief" we choose, is a gift. What other conceivable notions could draw such a Divine parallel? Ultimately it comes down to this very core question, embedded in every human heart:

is it better to remain unscathed and empty or broken but filled?

it's what's on the inside that counts and in this case, it's a choice of life or existence.