thoughts at a catfish house

and as i stood there, my bleak eyes striking gazes around the cluttered room, a thought flooded my weary mind - we are all chasing the same false dream. when will we wake up?

refreshed and better overall

don't worry, lovely boy. i feel much better today. and YOU... are wonderful. thank you for being supportive, even when i was too blinded with sorrow and devastation to see it. i'm a lucky girl!

dont try and wake me i died in my sleep

i just sort of feel like writing.

my mind races. i cant even find words to explain it. its constant, under my skin. dont tell me to "stop thinking" or "just leave", where does one go to escape your own thoughts? your thoughts are apart of who you are. an integral one. they hurt, they scrape, they dig deep and live inside of my soul with swallowed key. day in. day out.

she makes me feel dead. like a beaten pet or a zombie, convinced that nothingness is what i am. all the while she stands unwavering in her belief that she does nothing to bring me down. her tounge is like a raging fire that water could not begin to quench. she lashes out and the flames catch on to my skin, burning burning burning. theres nothing left. the heart has been smashed and gashed and sliced open to be filled with chars of guilt and lies to ruin a life given, a life taken away. with words she dug out a man's heart and left it there to rot. open, quivering, waiting for life... but it never came. unforgiving and alone, bitter and afraid to be human she paints on a face of "joy" and steps foot into the corroded streets she sees as gold. but its only emptiness that she finds. but the seething pain stays locked inside, never to be shown to another. but He sees. all of it. her options seem bare as she wanders empty vessel [human] to another, leaving cold shards of defeat in each one. forever to bare her seal - of loneliness. no white flag will she fly, but only fall. alone.

i'll ignore the calm it brings - the burning paper, the smoldering end, the rising gray cloud of self-pity and apathy. i wish not to break myself more with my never-ending list of excuses. where is He? You are right here, God. tears form behind these eyes that so long to see You, to know You, in a real way. and You are right there, ever-present, but my eyes fail to see You, my heart fails to reach for You. i want more, though. but i seem to fall short of being able to seek You and allow you to guide me. i wish i didn't have to make a choice. my God, save this wretched bit of nothing that i am from living without meaning. and save him. desiring, always, something more.

dreams of a weary mind

maybe its stress mixed with a delirious state of mind, or maybe it entails many reasons, but i want to be the girl singer in an indie rock band so bad. yeah. i do. i could fix up my voice, make it all indie rocker-ish. and i could wear cool clothes and have cool hair and be awesome. ::sigh:: okay so maybe its time for me to go to sleep. blasted english magazine project!

going going... gone [?]

im strange because im supressing feelings of "suckiness" at the moment. inferiority is sinking through the skin and seeping closer to the core. burning... melting... falling... deeper. lost.

in too deep

Sleep will not come to this tired body now
Peace will not come to this lonely heart
There are some things I'll live without
But I want you to know that I need you right now
I need you tonite
I steal a kiss from her sleeping shadow moves
Cause I'll always miss her wherever she goes
And I'll always need her more than she could ever need me
I need someone to ease my mind
But sometimes a someone is so hard to find
And I'll do anything to keep her here tonite
And I'll say anything to make her feel alright
And I'll be anything to keep her here tonite
Cause I want you to stay, with me
I need you tonite
She comes to me like an angel out of time
As I play the part of a saint on my knees
There are some things I'll live without
But I want you to know that I need you right now
Suffer my desire
Suffer my desire
Suffer my desire for you

"in the arms of sleep" - smashing pumpkins

precariousness meets the evil mao

precarious: subject to chance or unknown conditions.

i like that word, precarious. i like the way it rolls off of the tongue. it just sounds fluid, all the while holding on to its element of mystery and intrigue. you don't know why, but you're drawn to it. but i think it's more than the way the word sounds, how about what it means? life is precarious, the choices we make in our lives are precarious at least. all of them. when we choose to follow ourselves [what a poor choice we often make], we submit ourselves to the world of precariousness. we become subject to chance or unknown conditions. it holds an interesting truth, i find. something profoundly simple and hidden - the idea that even something as seemingly small as a word, of which in the world there are many, can in itself show us new truths about ourselves. fresh perspectives. via God.

goodnight. i'm off to fight this weird nausea from chinese food [i'm angry with mao zedong for his past devastating follies set on the country of china during his evil/ignorant reign]. blasted sesame chicken!

i do hope he wakes up refreshed and well-rested and is able to get through the music appreciation exam without much stress or desired pain release. i pray that he would remain consistent in his progress. thank you for him. thank you. i can only hope with all of my heart that what will happen with us will happen for all of the right reasons. thinking about losing him scares me so much i cannot begin to explain. i begin to feel physically ill at the thought of it. please God, please let me keep him safe here in this heart. at least for now. i pray that You change us both, not for each other, but for You and You alone. and we know You have the power as nothing or no one else does. you. are. love.

on death's bed

as i lay in my bed in the wee hours of the morning, drifting off to sleep, comfort fell over me slowly. what a phenomenon unexperienced but few times in this tiny human existence. God speaks louder than words, He speaks in emotions, inexplicable feelings; he speaks in love. as i lie, barely awake, i glanced upward. my heart fluttering, my earthly body losing touch with the pains that come along with this world. and in this moment i felt that if i might die, i was not afraid. and in no moment from that point forward should i be afraid of something so wonderful that it would bring me to the One who has kept me desiring more and allowed me to see past, even if just for a few irreplacable moments, the clouded vision of truth the world offers time and time again. life was unveiled by Him, and in that moment i was shown that this time here is not for me, not about me, for my time will come to be with the One my heart chooses to love the most. Love Divine.

if the silence takes you then i hope it takes me too

what frustrates me most of all is that i even care to begin with, knowing it's worthless and ultimately fruitless. i can't help but be disgusted when i looked in the mirror tonight when i got home to realize that i've put on some pounds over just the past couple of days of not eating so well. that's only going to get worse over finals. i wish i could stay thin or be thin, one of the two. i know he tells me i'm beautiful and i believe that he sees that, but i'm always searching for something more, and who knows why. i'm becoming a product of what i hate? - the pursuit of the societal dream of what will bring fulfillment [being "beautiful" and rich, etc.]. freaking devil. i wish i could just eat better though overall. i do need to cut out some of the stuff i've been filling up on the past couple of days, it's just so hard when you live in a dorm! i can't cook and i feel bad about going out to get food a lot bc it's more expensive. but then i got so tired of those lean cuisines, couldn't take 'em so i bought "real" frozen food. oh please, make me fatter. my self-image needs to die completely, not improve. if i could just get this God thing back on track, maybe it would. that's the key, the basis. ::sigh:: i'm gonna try, and so will he


gosh, make him okay. he can't bend backwards. not now. i may not be able to pick up the pieces again. help him. love him. heal him.


so i've been thinking that the "pill-popping" era we live in is a product of corporate america's drive for "success" [i use lots of quotation marks apparently]. it's like creating a wound just to put a bandage on it - the wound being anxiety, troubled sleep patterns, mild depression; the bandage being obviously the pills. how weak we are to be driven down by "the man". we buy into the fear, the stress, for what? to end up dead, thats what. we must be going going going and then we're gone and it's all for nothing, not for something. the bandage is nothing but another attempt to make money and for the cost of our own well-being. patriotism, please. let's not take it so far. there are good points and bad points but let's please not be so blind to our own faults. and we are. i am. that's why i'm sitting here on this dorm bed wishing my waist were smaller, my face prettier, my grades better, worrying about money, christmas presents, fighting with my mom, and hoping that nothing bad will befall on my boyfriend tonight as pain weakens his senses and desires a destructive release. i am a product of my surroundings. kill it. kill the fear. life, life, life. and where is the life in this life we live. you can exist and you can live. fucking greedy pigs, what we are. we want what satisfies us, not Him. please forgive us our trespasses, Lord, as we can't seem to bring ourselves to forgive those who trespass against us. seems unfair, doesn't it? that a God so loving and gracious and everything good we can imagine and can't even begin to imagine all at once could just let us off scotch-free. we get away with bloody murder and all the while we kick and scream and curse God and ask why me? why God? why can't there be more? we do this, consistently. i'm so naive. really, to not realize that my own self-pity and confusion isn't merely a product of a chemical imbalance in my brain, but also a metaphysical imbalance of the soul and brain. take a look around you. all of it, yep even that, it's empty. worthless - will wither and fade. what am i living for? i want to live for something more. there's this obvious passion deep within me that sees God's importance and wants to take form and just hug God and serve him, almost like a waiter or a cashier or something, but better, more divine and personal. but then there's this other integral part of the process, you know the whole acting on it part, that just seems to be caught on something, stuck almost. come alive, already. there's a whole world [the one that exists in the realm of un-reality -- reality being the physical world thats full of suffering and capitalism and greed and anguish, etc.] to explore and take in through the fiber of my lungs. let me breathe, air. life. love. pain. something. real.

thin.
better.
more sociable.
less awkward.
consistently happier.
taken with joy.
unconfined by guilt.
liberated.
noticed.
never
mis
under
stood.

bunnies and kitties

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adopt your own virtual pet!

an attempt to describle the indescribable

though my meager attempts fall short of his beautiful streams of fluidity and poise transcended into something concrete, i won't try to catch up to him, as i simply won't. though this is not something to worry about. i marvel at the way he illuminates an idea with only the sheer light of a few characters on a page. i stand in admiration and disbelief that i am able to be an inspiration for some of his writings that i tuck away deep in my heart, hoping that perhaps one day he will have a glimpse of the talent he posesses.

[here i would usually dive into a pool of self-pity but i will restrain myself and instead move on to a new topic entirely]

two month anniversary. it's not a long time at all, but those two months have been wonderful ones. i've learned the heart of a boy who's spirit,once crushed, is now slowly learning to mend itself with love. the pain that was once all-consuming now commences its long journey into the null and void, replaced with feelings of belonging and a sense of meaning. i want to hold him until he falls asleep in my arms with a smile spread across those lips i long to press between mine. i want to explain to him the way i lose myself when he wraps those beautiful arms that fear judgement around me and bring me in close to him, close to his heart. i want to tell him of how my heart forgets to beat and lungs forget to breath when he stares deep into my eyes and tells me he loves me, because i know he means it with every bit of that tattered heart he bears within him. but to do this would be an attempt to describe the indescribable. so for now, my sweet, this is all i can give to you. i hope you can accept it as a morsel of how i actually feel about everything about you.

so i will continue my day lying around for now with the soothing sounds of radiohead lulling me into a sleepy and ignorantly content state, something that may just be good for me at the moment.