anxiety journal

for now, im going to use this as an anxiety journal just for myself really.

today i feel really anxious. this is pretty usual, but its just getting out of hand. i have to leave for class in about 10 minutes and im extremely tempted to just not go. i feel like the only time im "okay" is sitting, dumbfounded in front of the tv. its sort of manifesting itself as social anxiety, but not to an extreme point. i just dont feel like going to class, walking out in public, going anywhere, even if its fun. its just easier to curl up in bed and watch tv, but not just easier, its like painful to go outside. i get short of breath, fatigued, and withdrawn. its exhausting and dehumanizing.

i cant make phonecalls i need to either. bills stress me out, even if i have the money to pay them. its not like its tests or work or any normal stressors that make me this way, its the simple TASK of living. waking up is a chore and getting through the day is just as bad, often worse. in fact, work is one of the only times im more or less okay. i get down there too, but the constant business of the job keeps my mind balanced instead of stressed. its weird!

when i woke up this morning, i felt dizzy/lightheaded/weak whenever i would make sudden moves or sit down and stand up. after i had coffee i felt nauseated for a moment, but not necessarily just from the coffee, it just made me feel like sick with stress.

ive been trying to eat healthier because i worry about dying young too. yet another glorious symptom of my GAD. obviously its good to eat healthy, but i still am too inclined to sit on my couch and stare at the tv and/or computer rather than actually get outside and exercise, even though it makes me feel better.

im really tired of feeling this way. sometimes i get to the point where i feel like im just going to explode. im tempted to take a xanax, but all it does is honestly just make me even more fucking tired. its an endless cycle really. i can help it but i cant beat it. id really like to go to a psychiatrist, but i have no insurance which makes me more anxious because its out of my control. i cant get insurance through my job right now because i dont work enough hours every week to be eligable, and quite frankly, im not going to up my hours to do it. my dad keeps claiming ill have coverage soon, so we'll see. fuck no we won't see what am i saying? i need health insurance. urgh.

i gotta fucking go to class.