27 April 2006

I wonder what it is that happens when reality blends in with fantasy to cast out all pure colors and make only a mask of what is, or is not. I’m not sure to what to make of it all - the ideas that come in and out and back and forth in my head, in my heart, in my dreams. I become so enamored with the future and its possibilities that living in the present seems like filler, like nonsense, and I am simply above it all, waiting and ready like a maiden to be swept away by the great beyond that is soon, but not so soon, to come. Marriage - my preoccupation. What is it with this idea of being attached to another person, an object of love, trust, desire, for life that I feel like day in and day out part of me is missing because for now I must do without? What treasures lie in a bonded commitment to someone such as this! And to think that person that I’ve waited for while frolicking in sandboxes and concocting pretend ceremonies to honor the union of mere toys in my youth is the one I’ve already fallen so deeply for. My negative conscience, bearing such horror on my heart and mind, always comes in to throw its two pennies into the fountain, though. Always denouncing my striving for such achievements, she tears me down, plank by plank, like a dilapidated home. And so why is it not, I am constantly questioning, that I cannot except my fate and seal it? Those who worry less than myself tend to think me childish for playing such games as to only think either extremely positively or purely the opposite - severely and hopelessly terrified of the future. I, however, know this is not true. These two strong opposing emotions that seize me and hold me down, as if waiting for the ground beneath me to split open and swallow me whole, are utterly beyond my conscious control. To call me childish or silly or off key for such feelings is simply invalid, and moreover, ignorant. I simply will not be held responsible for such feelings, such highs and lows that sweep like the wild winds on a beach of sea grasses. I am only held responsible for my own actions that I take in response, and even then I am so taken up by whirlwinds of emotional turmoil that decisions can often seem unclear and paths dusty and without end. The truth in it all is that the area of blended fantasy and reality is where I lie now. Somewhere in the middle is where I am, and each vicious side has a working schedule as to who gets me which day or hour or moment of my life. I am the gray matter, the mess in the middle, controlled by these forces that are beyond me. I am the mask of what is, or what is not, so now the direction I must take, if it is in me at all to do so, is to find the self beneath the mask. For it is not who I am not that I search for, but rather who I am.

im getting really annoyed with life. i feel like id be better off dead so much of the time these days. i wake up everyday and just hope that ill feel better and that life wont rear its ugly head around and take randall away from me. i worry i worry i worry and then i worry some more. class seems pointless. schoolwork seems pointless. i feel like i dont have enough friends and that randall and i spend too much time together. i feel like the future is a black hole sucking away at any shred of dreams i have. and then every once in awhile i feel on top of things like i can conquer all of it and its just in my head. but wheres the balance? why cant i be okay?

i still kind of wonder if i might be bipolar.

the world is completely crazy. i believe what my heart, the fundamental compass of human existence, tells me. i believe in God and love and purpose. that's what i really believe in.