you can have it all, my empire of dirt

i beat my arm tonight with my straightening iron and my hairbrush. apparently not hard enough or enough times to hurt it as much as i wanted. but the right one is bruised a little more and the left one is just red. why am i desiring bruises? i feel confused. really confused.

i'm not here, this isn't happening

often times i think that what i say i want so much, to be "okay", is not something i want at all. i like the pain because sometimes i start to forget where i've been, all of those low points. they blur and fade and i feel lost without them. i like my pain. i like my problems.

too much to think about.

going to read and go to bed. something about thinking a lot that doesn't usually seem to tire me, but instead make me blank and dark.

the cruel, uneventful state of apathy releases me

i just keep thinking that if i could just shake this then i would in less than a heartbeat. i can't even convince myself there's something really wrong. i just feel painfully confused and broken. it's as if i've been splintered continuously for years and now the shards are ready to pierce through me and create the final blow. and then it's like when all these emotions crowd into a small space in my brain and create a crying spell or a "low moment" or however it could be classified, afterwards i'm left sort of just blank and this lasts for awhile. i just feel hopeless, like everyone around me has got it together while im secretly falling apart. always. not just sometimes. not like oh i had a bad day bc i made a shitty grade on something or anything like that. in my head, i'm missing something integral that's keeping me from living. i get so sad that i want to just close everyone out except for him, pretty much. and then i think that we are together too much and that maybe i lean on him too much and i question my entire life.

today was okay, for the most part. tonight i got overwhelmed and cried. i just think too much, overall. i keep wishing that i could do something to make myself feel better, but i know that i can't. nothing appeals to me except drinking [which i cant do here] and throwing up [which i can also not do here]. ive always liked the release i get from throwing up. it makes me feel like i have some control i suppose. i wish smoking wasn't so harmful for you, bc it makes me feel at least a little better. but i cant do it, knowing the complications it brings on, especially after losing someone so close to an addiction to cigarettes.

im apathetic. thats the problem in itself. ill wake up tomorrow, drink my coffee, go to class, come back, etc. etc. etc. and then the pain will start to seep in, sometimes slowly and sometimes in more of an intense flood. ill fight it back and push it under the rug until nighttime falls and i have things i need to get done that i cant make myself do. theres nothing to look forward to. finals - i mean holy shit thats going to be terrible. awful. full of anxiety and then... bam. its christmas break. something to look forward to... hardly. going "home" was bad for a week, its going to be worse for 3 weeks, even if i will have friends there and be working. i cant see how wonderful its going to be. shes always going to belittle me without remorse and its going to continue to cause writhing pain and we will always fight and it will get really bad and no one will understand which will just make more angry and confused and want to shut friends out. its a fucking vicious cycle.

itd be easy if all of this shit was for attention, like some kind of preteen with puberty and a crush, but its real. ive never understood it and ive always gone back and forth with it.

a prayer

there's an aura of understanding all around us, proving the existence of God. when nothing in this entire world can fill the void that's left from lack of sustaining love, something keeps us holding on to that bare thread that seems like it's going to snap any moment. this "something" is God, without a doubt. what else, who else, could possibly give us this feeling. even when i feel like God is so distant there's no way i could feel His presence, i'm completely shown up. even in the saddest of poems and songs of life's dispairity and worthlessness, God is in there, crying out to us that there is meaning and there is life and not to worry because this was not intentional, the way things are. He meant so much more and oh how i do believe that God desires for us to live and not just exist but mostly we are just existing. my heart cries out over and over again and to who else but someone who could understand. this hype about "God is dead" is nonsense. we are afraid of a God who knows and loves us only because we feel He will judge us and set up rules for us, like society does. but this is not God. this is man's flawed opinion of God. oh how i am so certain of the existence of a God who wants nothing more than life for his children. i believe it so deeply that i feel i could dive right into it. there's nothing more powerful than the love of perfection. NOTHING i tell you. this world has no hold on us. we will all wither and die and why are we afraid when there is something drawing us in like a magnet of a strength unimaginable our entire lives through? LIFE thats what i want. real life. the pain gets so unbearable in our lives and what do we do, we look to the world for answers. maybe some niccotine or a razor blade will ease the pain. but no, He says, my CHILD i won't forsake you like your earthly parents have. i am so much more. i LOVE you. do you KNOW what love is, dear child? but we don't. we watch romance movies and idolize marriage, sex, and passion. we see love as a sense of security in money. but this sense is BROKEN! this world is falling to its knees at an unmatchable rate. God is love - not sex, not money - but God. i'm tired of going through life without an ounce of life in me. there is much more. much much much more and i KNOW this because God created us for something more than this cheapened version of truth we get from a world driven by greed and hate. our hearts need contentedness and love - only found in Him. we need something that absolutely none of us deserve - forgiveness. heal me, God. please, heal US. you are everywhere. i'm simply amazed and without real words to back up these feelings that are unlike anything i feel for earthly "wonders". they are empty and you are full. save us, please Lord. we need you more than even we can possibly imagine.

drive them away, the images stuck in your head

the whole thanksgiving break was a bit crazy. well, more than a bit really. my mind is pretty much in turmoil, but i'm ready for some change. now going about making this change happen is the tricky part. i'm at a loss for how to do it. hopefully i can make it work.

so smoking with andrew had some consequences... i think. today i felt shitty. i know part of it was not drinking enough water, but i think i actually had a craving for a cigarette. i didnt indulge though, knowing better. i cant imagine starting a bad habit like that, especially after losing guy to cancer from smoking. i've started wanting to drink again, and i give into sexual temptation without thought anymore. i feel almost out of control. things are just shaky in general. seeing people i dont get to see a lot was really good, but it sucks that things cant just be stable anymore. i want close friends again, and i want to not be so stressed. i also want sandra to leave me alone. but none of this is going to come easy. in the meantime, a part of me just wants to do whatever i want until something hits me and tells me to buckle down again. but theres this whole "i'm not living" side of me, which is really true bc mostly im just existing these days, pretty apathetic.

my right wrist is still bruised, naturally. it hurts sometimes but not a whole lot. i keep feeling bad for not being able to hurt myself in some way and i feel proud of the big bruise on my wrist/hand, which is odd to me. that just confuses me more. he hurt himself today bc he got really stressed out and it worried me bc it looked terrible. 15 of them on the top of his arm. i cant imagine how he does it and i can only imagine the kind of intense pain that comes on before it happens. i wish he knew how much i wish he didnt feel like he had to do that. hes wonderful, really. he makes me feel better.

theres like NO excitement in my life right now. most of that can be attributed to being depressed [which im convinced that i am bc the symptoms are there], but i want more. i feel like i need more or else... i dont know. i just will be existing. im ALWAYS questioning myself. i seem to feel like anytime i do anything its not good enough and that im disappointing my mother, who would stop at nothing to make me into the monster she doesnt know that she is.

i cant really think enough to type everything out right now. at the moment, im decent. i should go to bed soon. finals are soon, and i dont even know how soon but i do know that finals = panic attacks = lung cancer. bleck.

if home were really home

from now on it seems as though "home" as it should be will not exist for me until i create one for myself. coming back to this treacherous place where i find and have found myself in some of the lowest points of my life. i will make a life for myself outside of these walls and find solitude in that. i have to begin as soon as i leave and reason with myself to make the least amount of trips back as possible. the pain is all-consuming and makes me dream of different ways to die. i found myself imagining being hung by my pants that were lying on the floor, burning myself, hitting myself with objects and throwing myself into walls and things of that sort, and the list goes on. i even thought about plugging in the straightener and burning myself with it, but all of these things just brought some relief with images so that i didn't become so consumed with anxiety that i actually did these things. then i felt bad that i couldn't do them almost. i wanted to so that was bad enough but i couldnt go through with it.

when she yells something inside of me shrivels and dies. i feel no remorse for my death wishes for her. i dont feel bad for wanting to slap her or punch her or pull her hair. she berates me and tears away at me with her scornful toungue until im left stunned and full of rage that cant contain itself. i become a complete beast, yelling "fuck" every other word and hitting things and throwing objects and slamming doors until something almost breaks or beat walls with objects so as to make holes in the wall and then i precede to beat on things with the side of my right fist until i almost snap to my senses and stop for fear of breaking my own hand or something. its really becoming usual again, these suicidal and self-destructive thoughts. the closest i get to hurting myself is throwing up or drinking alcohol. and even then these things dont release much anymore. its like i cant escape at all, like im compeltely trapped. and when these emotions get the best of me, they come out in a whirlwind so strong it could wipe out an entire civilization. its scary as hell but almost soothing. i shake and cry and hit things and think terrible thoughts and then when its all over im left feeling almost accomplished but with the knowledge that ive done nothing productive, only destructive.

so with the current fear that i might completely break soon, i need someone to force me to seek help when i return to auburn. i dont want to develop habits that will only further the problem, but if this sort of complete rollercoaster of devastating abuse that ive been holding on to a bare thread for years now to get away from keeps occuring in these waves, i will give way and lose control entirely.

if i could, i surely would

fucking "a", so to speak. this night has been twisted but a bit lovely all the while. i confuse the hell out of myself, but isn't that just the human mind for you? - full of mysteries. if i could do even a corrupt american political justice version of these feelings in my mind and/or heart, i'd surely get these words free-flowing right now. but my mind is stuck and all of the thoughts are hidden in the corners of those vital organs [both physical and metaphysical]. i'm drifting into nowhere, some void in outerspace maybe... you know, the one that modern-day astrologers and scientists believe to be the center of the universe? yeah, thats the one.

fuck, no ones going to read this. i dont want them to so why dont i just be completely candid and actually get out these fucking emotions biting the shit out of my soul. i feel like someone pulled the plug on my once beating heart and laid waste to the fire that once was ablaze for my Lord.

i hate my mother. shes a fucking bitch. i cant even begin to explain the rage that pours from me when she opens her fucking mouth to utter words of a bitter heart and torched soul. deep down in my heart that once owned some compassion for her, i sympathize with her since shes had a rough life. but for the most part, all i can think of is the trauma she has inflicted on me and how much i want to beat the hell out of her for treating me like shit and making me suffer. that manipulative BITCH! daaaaaaaaaaaaamn i hate her. she makes me want to hurt myself. i get urges to purge, smoke, drink, burn myself, etc. i get suicidal. i get depressed. i get rage fits. my fucking hand has a knot on it from banging it into a desk and a door and as much as it hurts im almost proud of it. i can look at it and see that i hurt myself and somehow it makes me feel accomplished. she makes me feel worthless and afraid of living my own fucking life... the one that she gave me.

itd be nice if i could make myself disappear. im jealous of everyone and everything and i cant even bring myself to pray. this world is full of SHIT. everywhere! we're all just trying to make it through the day because we hurt each other and break ourselves and let the world define us by nature. fuck this fuck it. lifes short and NOT sweet for certain. its a bunch of shit. even if my life was better, other people would still be suffering like hell - dying from starvation, drugs, suicide, murder, etc. fucking america. everyone wants wants wants but everyday we wake up empty, alone, and no closer to happiness than the day we were born and unconcious of our own existence.