i'm tired. i feel like i've been beaten up. i've been crying off and on all day and i feel overwhelmed by stress. i'm worried about everything it seems. mostly things that are out of my control. today could have been a good day for me to attempt to get some work done but i can't seem to make myself do it, i'm too sad. and that's how i feel, sad, more than anything. i really feel depressed. lindsay is about to come get me to go to the bank and i'd rather just lie in this bed. i just lie here and cry off and on. life seems like a bad dream. i feel guilty for even being upset. i just feel like the future isn't going to be good, like i won't get married or have kids or get a job that i actually like. it seems like life will end before it ever gets to that stage. what am i supposed to do about next year? why does money have to play such a big factor in everything? it just makes me sick that people are starving and some people have everything. im bitter because i cant just know that i could move into a one bedroom if it was possible because its so much more expensive. i feel guilty for even being in college and living in a two bedroom apt. next year. i should embrace being in this situation but ive been immersed in this pool of people that have it pretty damn easy financially and things have been rocky for my family since 7th grade. i went through bankruptcy and when my stepdad died, my mom got nothing. my dads got too many people to take care of and has a job that doesn't pay as much as his other job and i cant rely on him because hes too busy to even send my allowance on time. all i do is complain. itd just be better if i disappeared.

i dont think i'll be happy until i'm married. somehow, that seems to be the only real stability i can hope for, and i don't mean just financially. but i'm sure i'm in for some kind of rude awakening. i've still got three years left of college and then who knows what i'll do after that with grad school and what not. i want to know that it's not going to end. i'm crying just thinking about it. i think God's in control but somehow that idea just seems so abstract. divorce is so high whats the point? yeah it doesnt have to be that way but what makes me think that i dont have that same trait that everyone else does for divorce. i don't wanna lose randall and i'm so scared that i will. i'm just a big pathetic mess.