so tired. so sick and tired.

that's it.

fuck the media.

america is a gushing wound and all we can do is put a bandaid on it? attend to the problem instead of trying to cover it up. i shouldn't be sitting her at 12:45 contemplating whether or not i should eat tomorrow, missing THROWING UP, something that should be a vile and disgusting idea that is dreaded, but i am. i am sitting in my bed, wondering if i could get by on some coffee and minimal food intake tomorrow, all because somehow being thinner seems like it would make me happier, even though it never has. i'm 19 years old and my life has been dictated by food since i was 13, and the worst part is, i'm not alone. people DIE because of the battle to eat. an 88 pound boy can look in the mirror and see fat when all that's there is skin and bones. we are a nation driven by a dream of monetary wealth and a good body. when did we forget about health and a happy marriage?

6 years i've been struggling with it. i've woken up day after day to see if maybe my stomach looks a little bit smaller and if my clothes look a little bit better on me, checking reflections everytime i pass a mirror or window, sucking in belly fat so as not to feel like the cow that i think i am, and thinking about everything i eat, even if its healthy. obsessive calorie counting, yoyo dieting, exercising, purging, starving, hating myself, wasting precious moments of a life that only happens once on a false dream that will not wave a white flag.

we all hurt. i can't help but point my finger at greed, because that's truly where it all begins, and where it began in the beginning with the Fall. greed overturned the life we were intended to have. corporations want big bucks so if sex sells, which means sexy bodies, then you can bet its going to be unavoidable to the common person, who's not airbrushed and doesn't have a personal trainer and who's diet consists of more than gelatin-soaked cotton balls (the food of models - this is not a lie). we're afraid to be real, to hurt because it's part of us. intead, we fear our pain. worry that we are the odd one out, no one understands us, or even belittle our problems, and with all of this going on day in and day out, moment after moment, our life is run by this false dream we are all chasing after blindly and relentlessly.

i'm tired of it all. i'm sick. i'm tired. i'm sick and tired of it. all of it.