something more

Dear God,

I don’t come to you nearly enough. Why is this so? Confusion sets in and I’m but a lonely child in a world gone awry. I feel really lost and perhaps this is solely because in truth, I am. I am without you, though I’m not. I know you are always with me. Why is it that sometimes I can feel so close to you and others I feel as though my life is leading simply to a point of no return, of nothingness, and death is so scary it feels as though life is not worthwhile? I can’t explain the dualities in my heart. I can’t explain the beating passion to live a life that has worth, that has a distinct purpose and that is driven by that purpose, day in and day out. I want a life where pain is meaningful, and love is abounding. I feel as though I’m just floating through, worried about the things I cannot change, that only you have control over. Yet that very fact is what makes me question myself and ask how could I worry about the things that you have control over? After all, if you are the one in control, you will work it out according to the Divine way of life that my heart desires, but this other side of me wants to hold on to my own selfish need to have a say in what happens to me. I live in fear, even knowing you are there reaching out to me telling me not to worry because there is more in store than all of this. But God, I feel so alone, so dead. I feel like none of this is worth it. I look into the future and like always it seems desolate. Life will only defeat me, and this is true if I hold on to it. How do I let go? Why is it so simple to conceive yet so nearly impossible to apply? I cannot imagine life without you, but I want to have life with you much more fully than I already do. I feel as though right and wrong has become so indistinguishable to me now. It all seems black and white and I can’t find the blessings anymore, the truth, the light, the way, the life in all of it. Where is this peace? What have I done with it? Where is this understanding that you have overcome this very world I tremble at? Why do tears fall from these eyes on so many days, while my heart is dying for you to come in? I have the choice, why is it so impossible for me to choose you? I need to know. I’m smothering in all of this filth around me without you. And maybe my eyes are closed because I know you are there, surrounding me. You saved me. I’m tired of the worrying. I’m scared of doing something wrong so much that I’ve lost touch with what it means to be your child. Convictions have turned into stressful worrying, regret, and hopelessness. I know this is not what you want for me. Help me to turn this all around because I don’t want to give up. Let me keep him, Lord. I’m terrified of losing him. Why am I so afraid? Are you going to take him from me? Is that why I’m so scared? Or is this merely a trick of the heart by Satan, who wants shame to come unto me? I don’t want to be scared anymore. I want to live in the kind of life you have set for me which I know entails pain, but not this kind of worry which eats away at my very soul. Show me the light again and help me to turn this, my life, over to you. I need reassurance that you aren’t going to snatch away what I feel like is a blessing from you. It’s paradoxical almost, I know, and perhaps it seems insane, but I’m being driven mad with worry that I will lose what on this earth is precious. Remind me of who you are. Reveal yourself to me.

Amen