tick tick tick tick BOOOOOOOM

ahh the sweet sound of an emotional explosion. if i could only hold my tounge at all times instead of just around the catalyst for my anger. so if i could wrap up everything i'm feeling in one sentence right now it would be...

i cannot deal with crazy people anymore.

there are other feelings tied in with that one, but its outstanding at the moment. morgan sent me straight over the edge. apparently i am not one to deal well with people blaming me for a number of things that i've never done or had any association with, but show me one person who is okay with it. but no, i'm not just not okay, i'm terrible at it. i'm so livid right now i want to beat the shit out of something because i have a fuming temper that can only be calmed down by time. a terrible character trait? yes, but i have no idea how to control it. it literally feels like this hot fit of rage shoots through my body like a rocket from my feet to my head, not sparing an inch, until it feels like if i dont AT LEAST scream several cuss words at the top of my lungs i will literally explode. those are the mild ones though, there are some that are much worse. these are what i call rage fits where i literally lose control of my body and mind for about 2 minutes and then need around 30 minutes just to get my heart rate and breathing back to steady rate. my mind becomes consumed with this anger that surpasses anything i can imagine unless im experiencing it. i feel like i could break a person in half and not feel a bit of remorse and not remember ever thinking about doing it. ive broken things, bruised myself, lost my voice from screaming... and this is with a tiny bit of self control. imagine if i let myself punch my mother in the face and pull her hair out while she's pinned to the ground like ive wanted to so many times. itd be possible if i didnt have that tiny bit of logic/ethics still available to me. perhaps this is all thats different between me in a fit of rage and a serial killer. there are people i often times would love to kill, not many, and think of ways they could suffer but i dont do it because of that instilled logic and ethics that are imbedded in my mind. so anyway... end tangent.

i feel better from writing this. basically what happened is i was about to start working on my paper a little more until my mother called me and started discussing this morgan situation with me. first of all, saying morgans name not only makes me ill, but it makes me want to rip someone or something to shreds. but of course, talking to sandra, this was not the only problem that talking about morgan posed. dont fucking interrupt me when im on a tangent about someone whos the living incarnation of the devil to me, im going to lose it. literally every couple of words she would keep telling me i needed to just calm down and trying to explain some stupid shit about why some girls do things like this. i didnt fucking ask for advice, nor do i want to hear it. i want to fucking scream and complain about morgan. so then she tells me that i need to calm down and get over it and that i dont have to deal with her anymore... good grief, are you kidding? you call to talk to me about this bitch thats been fucking me over and making up complete lies about me and even trying to convince ME that they're true just to make herself look good and im supposed to be calm? HA! and of all people to say that i should get over something. shes still not over my dad cheating on her almost 20 years ago.

yes, i wont have to deal with her indirectly or directly in just a few short weeks, but ive been biting my tongue until my mouth is filled with blood and all i want to do is rip her to pieces. give me a few weeks, i will have calmed down, but for right now, all i want is to tell her exactly how i feel. unfortunately, ive had to listen to her bullshit for a year now and havent been able to say anything thats on my mind really for the last two months that shes been bitching me out for things beyond my control so ive played my cards right just until she doesnt owe me anymore money. i want away from her and im finally getting it. thank goodness for that.

so im going back to writing my paper a little bit. i guess ill be up all night since im still on page 3 and its due tomorrow. i dont really care. i do but why complain. theres not much i can do now.