the girl

splintered with shards of disregard, she tiptoes into the cellar. carefully plotting out step after step, her lovely feet grace the gnarled wooden planks. what a place so unusually familar to her. it is a dark place, musky. apathy falls quickly upon her now, nearly reaching the bottom of the winding stairwell. what has become of the once lively young girl? once running amock, barefoot and paisley dress clad she is tattered - body, heart, and soul. how could something so beautiful fall to such a worthless state? can she be recreated by some heart stronger than that of her own? it seems too late as the light dims. the deep fear of losing something intangible climbs underneath her porcelein skin. waiting, she lays face down on the damp floor. "who will rescue me from myself now?" she pleads of something, someone. the pain has become unbearable. her smile has faded to nothing more than a thin line across her now unshapely face. she notices a faint sliver of gray light casts itself onto the prison-like bars of the cellar window. the movement of her hand across the dark corner casts shadows, each one playing itself about other areas of the room. "if only i could reach" she thought aloud to herself. arms outstreached, face to the earth from which she was formed, she began to try to do as the birds do. eyes now closed tightly, she bit her bottom lip until blood dripped onto the unforgiving floor. "i want to fly" she thought to herself. it was a wish so strong, so persistent, she couldn't rid herself of it. "i want to fly. i want to fly! i want to leave this all behind me now." she soared, for the imagination is stronger than the confines of this world, the chains we bind ourselves with so blindly. so ambiguously.

[incomplete]

unspoken prayer

Oh God,

How I long to love. To love like you love. To smile without fear of hurt. To laugh without fear of deceit. Lord, my heart is so broken, but you’ve left it that way for a reason. I know you have. I’ve wanted to stand out for so long. To take someone by the hand and lead them. Here I’ve taken this boy, this wonderful soul that I love and fed it a cheaper love than it desires. The heart of a boy so surreally beautiful and mystical can’t be held in these shaky hands. Oh Lord, how I wish I could just reach out and hug you, kneel at your feet, talk to you. All of these empty objects, empty ideas, trash are clouding my vision. You’re there, through the thick fog but my eyes are too weak to see you as you are… brilliant. Beyond any imaginable concoction of the lowly human mind. All of this is trash compared to you. How I wish I could not be afraid to live, to love, to reach for you in my darkest hour. Fear is so consuming and how you must know. I downplay your powerful love for a fallen race so dark, so broken, so seemingly irrevocable. Something you never intended, being the wonderful God you are. You are overlooked, distrusted, disregarded, brushed aside, blamed, cursed at, slandered, but yet you are the reason any of us are even here. You know our lives like the back of your hand. I find such inexplicable comfort in the knowledge that you know every single hair on my head. Oh Lord, how could I compare you to the hurtful and unfulfilling parts of this life? How could I still look in the mirror and see something so dissatisfying when it was your Devine hands that created me from heavenly dust. Tears well up in my throat but I cannot cry. It is an emotion too strong for words. You have a purpose for me, my creator, my friend, my redeemer, my father. You believe in me. You see in me what I am… I am nothing but you are something beyond words inside of me. Be me for me. I know only you can take on a task this big. But I feel like I’m asking too much for all of the pain that has befallen on you because of my injustices. I’ve wounded you time and time again and you could just take me back? Love so perfect can exist only in One as you are. Nothing or no one else but only you. I still have these desires to do imperfect things against your law. Help me there, Lord. Help me to distinguish wrong versus right so that I’m not always in constant worry of messing up, but rather simply in love with you and wanting to do for you as close as I humanly can what you do for me. Blind me to myself. I don’t want to be a walking road sign for redundancy, Lord. I wish not to spit out wishes after wishes to you but instead make a change. Not only for me, for him. You know what’s in store for our lives, all of us. I want to be like Paul, unwavering in Truth. How I long for real life, Lord, but am paralyzed by comfort blended with fear. I love you, I love you, I love you. Help me show you that so that my words will prove not empty, but valid.

AMEN

dying before death

"i like how it feels not to feel"

"how do you become something you're not?"
"what do you want to be?"
"what i'm not."
"what are you now?"
"i'm nothing."
"that's not true."
"but see... i am what i say i am"

i love that movie.

my arm hurts.



i like people who embrace being broken.

titles can be so vague

the urges are wearing me thin. ha i wish. only thin in spirit. what is it with this body that just can't find a resting place? what is it with this mind of mine that makes it so incessant, relentless, dark. how i wish i could remember a place so forgiving, but my memories blend and blur, covered by a thick black overcoat of paint to hide the good times, the smiles. i'm a walking panic attack for sure. my anxieties, unchristened, surely seem to be who i am. a shadow of what once "was"? no. a symbol of the ever-present haunting state of what is and what seemingly will continue to be. if i could find solace, relief. if i could wake up one day well-rested, un-troubled... i don't know what would become of this rarities. perhaps i would cease to even exist since i am what i have been, not where i am going because i am headed nowhere. my life seems mere dust at times. dreary. oh how i wish to be thin again. to feel girlish. to feel bones.

burning bitterness is an unexpected guest. she's one of the sort that come, stay, eat you out of house and home and still refuse to leave once you're left bare bottomed and empty handed. broken. oh leave bitterness, you bite and you sting but where is your truth? i suppose you need none, being the seed of death before physical death.

luckily my heart has been inhabited by another. my pathetic attempts to make light of what God has beckoned me to do with these hands, this body i often loathe so carelessly, are wiped clean in the luminous arms of this one i call love. scared though i may be, scared that fate will rear its ugly head and show us the folly of our decisions, my heart bears immaculate witness to this love i hold.

as my mind continues to race, as it ceaselessly insists on doing, my head is growing tired. there is never need to worry, for tomorrow will take care of itself as it says in Matthew, my favorite book of the Bible i do believe. why is that so hard to believe? my heart breaks for You, just as You call for. take it. i don't know how to give it. i don't know anymore. i've only grown backwards, Lord. save me from this wretched fallen mind i claim as "the self" that should never be. i. want. to. live. life. as. life. truly. is.

afterall, tomorrow is a new day.

here i go again

note to self: dont look at victorias secret website after eating pizza.



uhhhhhhhh.

insomniac

4:23 am. not asleep.

his desire to cut tears me apart. he is better than that, so much. inexplicably.

and i am, undoubtedly, afraid of becoming too attached. i want to hold him here as long as time allows - as He allows. if he only knew.