fucking fuck it

right now i cant look at one more smiling face. theres no fucking "fix" for this. what am i doing? fooling myself to beleive that everything will work out when more so than i would be willing to admit on my better days i know just how dead i already am. my heart stopped beating in that rhythm that the content have years ago and ever since, ive been surrounded by smiles and unbruised hearts that do nothing but drive a knife into my spine. how i loathe my own existence if the truthbe known. im trying so hard to live for God but the only people that act like they do this are the ones that dont have anything substantial to worry about. this is not God. auburn alabama is not a place of godly people. i cant take it. i want out. i dont know where i want to go but dammit i fucking want out.

things got substantially worse today, again. come on, how am i supposed to just let go of my cynicism? ive had this personality since before i knew what it was. ive been mentally decomposing since the hour i realized my mother lied to me my entire life, my father could be no more than a distant notion, my step-father wasnt going to be a source of support much longer because he was dying, and my "friends" couldnt even come close to identifying. does anyone have any fucking clue how NOT funny it is to laugh about how "crazy" my mother is? im sure its really funny when you've got two parents living at home that are at least almost completely supporting you financially and emotionally and your biggest complaint is that they call you too much on the phone or some fucking reject you have a crush on doesnt like you. its not funny that my mother made me a fucking basketcase. i wish for once, and i honestly do, someone could see her in action. i wish that there was a video tape of my life, so someone would cry for me. i just want someone to understand and no one does. really God is all i have. my family cant even get it. they know her and they certainly dont laugh, but they cant relate to being her child. but shes all i had and now i dont have her. i cant call her. i cant ask for anything. she doesnt help me financially and she causes detriment to me emotionally and spiritually. and now my father, who has become nothing more than a slip of paper with dollar signs, is going downhill again, losing money, losing patience. why God did you give me parents unfit to even take care of themselves? how i wish i could do something to help but here i am stuck at this fucking pathetic school taking classes and trying to convince myself that one day ill go to grad school and really make something of myself. i dont care anymore, and truth be told i never did. i dont wany anything more than to be a housewife, cook, clean, take care of my children, go to church, heal myself. HEALING. i need that. im an openwound. i am jealous of my best friend and object of my affection. i am jealous because his mother calls him, cares for him, provides for him. jealous that he hasnt stayed up all night in his "home" witih a chair under the door for the fear that his mother might come in and rip him into shreds. jealous that his heart is not completely broken and marred by the uncontrollable instability that can be inflicted on someone by the people that breathed life into them. i cant do it. i want to die so bad i can see blood on my arm or my body in a fetal position on the bed of my apt., unmovable. i dont want to hurt anymore. i want an escape. i want to leave. i fucking hate everyone, even my friends. theres just no way to keep going on a rollercoaster. eventually ill go mad and thats preferable to me honestly. put me back on the fucking pills, keep me on 'em, numb me from this life that haunts me and wracks my bones.

someone might read this. they'll feel bad for a split second, wish they could "do something", or maybe think its just completely ridiculous alltogether. i guess im really the only one that knows what really happened over these past 9 years to have made me this way. i was alone in my thoughts the whole time and i still am. theres nothing you can do because you'll never care enough to cry for me. to buy me a ticket out of this mess, to tell the fucking parental figures in my life how destroying themselves has destroyed me. and thats your lot in life. enjoy.

i might quit school, i might transfer, i might get hit by a car. whats the point... they all end the same way.