self-analysis... again

God is all i need, and i know that, but putting my life on track with that notion is far more than simple.

Mother kills me. Her lack of smooth transitioning from brutality to amiability has been a slow strangulation my whole life until now. This alone could be the cause of my brain and body connection gone awry. Of course, it isn't. A world more of explanations can be found, but tell me what is the reason in figuring out what all of those reasons are. Surely they're irrevocable, the past cannot be changed.

Father shoves me to the side, makes me the lonely pot of boiling water stuck on the back burner. The main courses never include me. I'm forever stuck in this spot solely because of where i fell on the time line. What a burden - to lose the interest of a paternal figure because more of you came along. The sixth time around he finally figured out that divorce really DOES hurt children so i suppose that made him try to be a better father, but only selectively. how pathetic. he once told me that his biggest fear was letting his children down, sometimes i think he forgets i'm one of those. or maybe he simply has no idea that he loves them more than me. i guess i should be grateful i'm not one of the completely forgotten, but maybe once i reach a certain age, i'll blend completely into the background. i'll be the empty pot in the cabinet, out of sight out of mind. i seem to be slipping further away. he seems less and less affected by the sound of my voice. i'll disappear completely before long.

I was born out of bitter love affair, brewing hatred, and cast into a broken world by broken people.

i am really a terrible writer.