if the silence takes you then i hope it takes me too

what frustrates me most of all is that i even care to begin with, knowing it's worthless and ultimately fruitless. i can't help but be disgusted when i looked in the mirror tonight when i got home to realize that i've put on some pounds over just the past couple of days of not eating so well. that's only going to get worse over finals. i wish i could stay thin or be thin, one of the two. i know he tells me i'm beautiful and i believe that he sees that, but i'm always searching for something more, and who knows why. i'm becoming a product of what i hate? - the pursuit of the societal dream of what will bring fulfillment [being "beautiful" and rich, etc.]. freaking devil. i wish i could just eat better though overall. i do need to cut out some of the stuff i've been filling up on the past couple of days, it's just so hard when you live in a dorm! i can't cook and i feel bad about going out to get food a lot bc it's more expensive. but then i got so tired of those lean cuisines, couldn't take 'em so i bought "real" frozen food. oh please, make me fatter. my self-image needs to die completely, not improve. if i could just get this God thing back on track, maybe it would. that's the key, the basis. ::sigh:: i'm gonna try, and so will he


gosh, make him okay. he can't bend backwards. not now. i may not be able to pick up the pieces again. help him. love him. heal him.


so i've been thinking that the "pill-popping" era we live in is a product of corporate america's drive for "success" [i use lots of quotation marks apparently]. it's like creating a wound just to put a bandage on it - the wound being anxiety, troubled sleep patterns, mild depression; the bandage being obviously the pills. how weak we are to be driven down by "the man". we buy into the fear, the stress, for what? to end up dead, thats what. we must be going going going and then we're gone and it's all for nothing, not for something. the bandage is nothing but another attempt to make money and for the cost of our own well-being. patriotism, please. let's not take it so far. there are good points and bad points but let's please not be so blind to our own faults. and we are. i am. that's why i'm sitting here on this dorm bed wishing my waist were smaller, my face prettier, my grades better, worrying about money, christmas presents, fighting with my mom, and hoping that nothing bad will befall on my boyfriend tonight as pain weakens his senses and desires a destructive release. i am a product of my surroundings. kill it. kill the fear. life, life, life. and where is the life in this life we live. you can exist and you can live. fucking greedy pigs, what we are. we want what satisfies us, not Him. please forgive us our trespasses, Lord, as we can't seem to bring ourselves to forgive those who trespass against us. seems unfair, doesn't it? that a God so loving and gracious and everything good we can imagine and can't even begin to imagine all at once could just let us off scotch-free. we get away with bloody murder and all the while we kick and scream and curse God and ask why me? why God? why can't there be more? we do this, consistently. i'm so naive. really, to not realize that my own self-pity and confusion isn't merely a product of a chemical imbalance in my brain, but also a metaphysical imbalance of the soul and brain. take a look around you. all of it, yep even that, it's empty. worthless - will wither and fade. what am i living for? i want to live for something more. there's this obvious passion deep within me that sees God's importance and wants to take form and just hug God and serve him, almost like a waiter or a cashier or something, but better, more divine and personal. but then there's this other integral part of the process, you know the whole acting on it part, that just seems to be caught on something, stuck almost. come alive, already. there's a whole world [the one that exists in the realm of un-reality -- reality being the physical world thats full of suffering and capitalism and greed and anguish, etc.] to explore and take in through the fiber of my lungs. let me breathe, air. life. love. pain. something. real.

thin.
better.
more sociable.
less awkward.
consistently happier.
taken with joy.
unconfined by guilt.
liberated.
noticed.
never
mis
under
stood.