if home were really home

from now on it seems as though "home" as it should be will not exist for me until i create one for myself. coming back to this treacherous place where i find and have found myself in some of the lowest points of my life. i will make a life for myself outside of these walls and find solitude in that. i have to begin as soon as i leave and reason with myself to make the least amount of trips back as possible. the pain is all-consuming and makes me dream of different ways to die. i found myself imagining being hung by my pants that were lying on the floor, burning myself, hitting myself with objects and throwing myself into walls and things of that sort, and the list goes on. i even thought about plugging in the straightener and burning myself with it, but all of these things just brought some relief with images so that i didn't become so consumed with anxiety that i actually did these things. then i felt bad that i couldn't do them almost. i wanted to so that was bad enough but i couldnt go through with it.

when she yells something inside of me shrivels and dies. i feel no remorse for my death wishes for her. i dont feel bad for wanting to slap her or punch her or pull her hair. she berates me and tears away at me with her scornful toungue until im left stunned and full of rage that cant contain itself. i become a complete beast, yelling "fuck" every other word and hitting things and throwing objects and slamming doors until something almost breaks or beat walls with objects so as to make holes in the wall and then i precede to beat on things with the side of my right fist until i almost snap to my senses and stop for fear of breaking my own hand or something. its really becoming usual again, these suicidal and self-destructive thoughts. the closest i get to hurting myself is throwing up or drinking alcohol. and even then these things dont release much anymore. its like i cant escape at all, like im compeltely trapped. and when these emotions get the best of me, they come out in a whirlwind so strong it could wipe out an entire civilization. its scary as hell but almost soothing. i shake and cry and hit things and think terrible thoughts and then when its all over im left feeling almost accomplished but with the knowledge that ive done nothing productive, only destructive.

so with the current fear that i might completely break soon, i need someone to force me to seek help when i return to auburn. i dont want to develop habits that will only further the problem, but if this sort of complete rollercoaster of devastating abuse that ive been holding on to a bare thread for years now to get away from keeps occuring in these waves, i will give way and lose control entirely.