the cruel, uneventful state of apathy releases me

i just keep thinking that if i could just shake this then i would in less than a heartbeat. i can't even convince myself there's something really wrong. i just feel painfully confused and broken. it's as if i've been splintered continuously for years and now the shards are ready to pierce through me and create the final blow. and then it's like when all these emotions crowd into a small space in my brain and create a crying spell or a "low moment" or however it could be classified, afterwards i'm left sort of just blank and this lasts for awhile. i just feel hopeless, like everyone around me has got it together while im secretly falling apart. always. not just sometimes. not like oh i had a bad day bc i made a shitty grade on something or anything like that. in my head, i'm missing something integral that's keeping me from living. i get so sad that i want to just close everyone out except for him, pretty much. and then i think that we are together too much and that maybe i lean on him too much and i question my entire life.

today was okay, for the most part. tonight i got overwhelmed and cried. i just think too much, overall. i keep wishing that i could do something to make myself feel better, but i know that i can't. nothing appeals to me except drinking [which i cant do here] and throwing up [which i can also not do here]. ive always liked the release i get from throwing up. it makes me feel like i have some control i suppose. i wish smoking wasn't so harmful for you, bc it makes me feel at least a little better. but i cant do it, knowing the complications it brings on, especially after losing someone so close to an addiction to cigarettes.

im apathetic. thats the problem in itself. ill wake up tomorrow, drink my coffee, go to class, come back, etc. etc. etc. and then the pain will start to seep in, sometimes slowly and sometimes in more of an intense flood. ill fight it back and push it under the rug until nighttime falls and i have things i need to get done that i cant make myself do. theres nothing to look forward to. finals - i mean holy shit thats going to be terrible. awful. full of anxiety and then... bam. its christmas break. something to look forward to... hardly. going "home" was bad for a week, its going to be worse for 3 weeks, even if i will have friends there and be working. i cant see how wonderful its going to be. shes always going to belittle me without remorse and its going to continue to cause writhing pain and we will always fight and it will get really bad and no one will understand which will just make more angry and confused and want to shut friends out. its a fucking vicious cycle.

itd be easy if all of this shit was for attention, like some kind of preteen with puberty and a crush, but its real. ive never understood it and ive always gone back and forth with it.