if i could, i surely would

fucking "a", so to speak. this night has been twisted but a bit lovely all the while. i confuse the hell out of myself, but isn't that just the human mind for you? - full of mysteries. if i could do even a corrupt american political justice version of these feelings in my mind and/or heart, i'd surely get these words free-flowing right now. but my mind is stuck and all of the thoughts are hidden in the corners of those vital organs [both physical and metaphysical]. i'm drifting into nowhere, some void in outerspace maybe... you know, the one that modern-day astrologers and scientists believe to be the center of the universe? yeah, thats the one.

fuck, no ones going to read this. i dont want them to so why dont i just be completely candid and actually get out these fucking emotions biting the shit out of my soul. i feel like someone pulled the plug on my once beating heart and laid waste to the fire that once was ablaze for my Lord.

i hate my mother. shes a fucking bitch. i cant even begin to explain the rage that pours from me when she opens her fucking mouth to utter words of a bitter heart and torched soul. deep down in my heart that once owned some compassion for her, i sympathize with her since shes had a rough life. but for the most part, all i can think of is the trauma she has inflicted on me and how much i want to beat the hell out of her for treating me like shit and making me suffer. that manipulative BITCH! daaaaaaaaaaaaamn i hate her. she makes me want to hurt myself. i get urges to purge, smoke, drink, burn myself, etc. i get suicidal. i get depressed. i get rage fits. my fucking hand has a knot on it from banging it into a desk and a door and as much as it hurts im almost proud of it. i can look at it and see that i hurt myself and somehow it makes me feel accomplished. she makes me feel worthless and afraid of living my own fucking life... the one that she gave me.

itd be nice if i could make myself disappear. im jealous of everyone and everything and i cant even bring myself to pray. this world is full of SHIT. everywhere! we're all just trying to make it through the day because we hurt each other and break ourselves and let the world define us by nature. fuck this fuck it. lifes short and NOT sweet for certain. its a bunch of shit. even if my life was better, other people would still be suffering like hell - dying from starvation, drugs, suicide, murder, etc. fucking america. everyone wants wants wants but everyday we wake up empty, alone, and no closer to happiness than the day we were born and unconcious of our own existence.