titles can be so vague

the urges are wearing me thin. ha i wish. only thin in spirit. what is it with this body that just can't find a resting place? what is it with this mind of mine that makes it so incessant, relentless, dark. how i wish i could remember a place so forgiving, but my memories blend and blur, covered by a thick black overcoat of paint to hide the good times, the smiles. i'm a walking panic attack for sure. my anxieties, unchristened, surely seem to be who i am. a shadow of what once "was"? no. a symbol of the ever-present haunting state of what is and what seemingly will continue to be. if i could find solace, relief. if i could wake up one day well-rested, un-troubled... i don't know what would become of this rarities. perhaps i would cease to even exist since i am what i have been, not where i am going because i am headed nowhere. my life seems mere dust at times. dreary. oh how i wish to be thin again. to feel girlish. to feel bones.

burning bitterness is an unexpected guest. she's one of the sort that come, stay, eat you out of house and home and still refuse to leave once you're left bare bottomed and empty handed. broken. oh leave bitterness, you bite and you sting but where is your truth? i suppose you need none, being the seed of death before physical death.

luckily my heart has been inhabited by another. my pathetic attempts to make light of what God has beckoned me to do with these hands, this body i often loathe so carelessly, are wiped clean in the luminous arms of this one i call love. scared though i may be, scared that fate will rear its ugly head and show us the folly of our decisions, my heart bears immaculate witness to this love i hold.

as my mind continues to race, as it ceaselessly insists on doing, my head is growing tired. there is never need to worry, for tomorrow will take care of itself as it says in Matthew, my favorite book of the Bible i do believe. why is that so hard to believe? my heart breaks for You, just as You call for. take it. i don't know how to give it. i don't know anymore. i've only grown backwards, Lord. save me from this wretched fallen mind i claim as "the self" that should never be. i. want. to. live. life. as. life. truly. is.

afterall, tomorrow is a new day.