unspoken prayer

Oh God,

How I long to love. To love like you love. To smile without fear of hurt. To laugh without fear of deceit. Lord, my heart is so broken, but you’ve left it that way for a reason. I know you have. I’ve wanted to stand out for so long. To take someone by the hand and lead them. Here I’ve taken this boy, this wonderful soul that I love and fed it a cheaper love than it desires. The heart of a boy so surreally beautiful and mystical can’t be held in these shaky hands. Oh Lord, how I wish I could just reach out and hug you, kneel at your feet, talk to you. All of these empty objects, empty ideas, trash are clouding my vision. You’re there, through the thick fog but my eyes are too weak to see you as you are… brilliant. Beyond any imaginable concoction of the lowly human mind. All of this is trash compared to you. How I wish I could not be afraid to live, to love, to reach for you in my darkest hour. Fear is so consuming and how you must know. I downplay your powerful love for a fallen race so dark, so broken, so seemingly irrevocable. Something you never intended, being the wonderful God you are. You are overlooked, distrusted, disregarded, brushed aside, blamed, cursed at, slandered, but yet you are the reason any of us are even here. You know our lives like the back of your hand. I find such inexplicable comfort in the knowledge that you know every single hair on my head. Oh Lord, how could I compare you to the hurtful and unfulfilling parts of this life? How could I still look in the mirror and see something so dissatisfying when it was your Devine hands that created me from heavenly dust. Tears well up in my throat but I cannot cry. It is an emotion too strong for words. You have a purpose for me, my creator, my friend, my redeemer, my father. You believe in me. You see in me what I am… I am nothing but you are something beyond words inside of me. Be me for me. I know only you can take on a task this big. But I feel like I’m asking too much for all of the pain that has befallen on you because of my injustices. I’ve wounded you time and time again and you could just take me back? Love so perfect can exist only in One as you are. Nothing or no one else but only you. I still have these desires to do imperfect things against your law. Help me there, Lord. Help me to distinguish wrong versus right so that I’m not always in constant worry of messing up, but rather simply in love with you and wanting to do for you as close as I humanly can what you do for me. Blind me to myself. I don’t want to be a walking road sign for redundancy, Lord. I wish not to spit out wishes after wishes to you but instead make a change. Not only for me, for him. You know what’s in store for our lives, all of us. I want to be like Paul, unwavering in Truth. How I long for real life, Lord, but am paralyzed by comfort blended with fear. I love you, I love you, I love you. Help me show you that so that my words will prove not empty, but valid.

AMEN