fucking fuck it

right now i cant look at one more smiling face. theres no fucking "fix" for this. what am i doing? fooling myself to beleive that everything will work out when more so than i would be willing to admit on my better days i know just how dead i already am. my heart stopped beating in that rhythm that the content have years ago and ever since, ive been surrounded by smiles and unbruised hearts that do nothing but drive a knife into my spine. how i loathe my own existence if the truthbe known. im trying so hard to live for God but the only people that act like they do this are the ones that dont have anything substantial to worry about. this is not God. auburn alabama is not a place of godly people. i cant take it. i want out. i dont know where i want to go but dammit i fucking want out.

things got substantially worse today, again. come on, how am i supposed to just let go of my cynicism? ive had this personality since before i knew what it was. ive been mentally decomposing since the hour i realized my mother lied to me my entire life, my father could be no more than a distant notion, my step-father wasnt going to be a source of support much longer because he was dying, and my "friends" couldnt even come close to identifying. does anyone have any fucking clue how NOT funny it is to laugh about how "crazy" my mother is? im sure its really funny when you've got two parents living at home that are at least almost completely supporting you financially and emotionally and your biggest complaint is that they call you too much on the phone or some fucking reject you have a crush on doesnt like you. its not funny that my mother made me a fucking basketcase. i wish for once, and i honestly do, someone could see her in action. i wish that there was a video tape of my life, so someone would cry for me. i just want someone to understand and no one does. really God is all i have. my family cant even get it. they know her and they certainly dont laugh, but they cant relate to being her child. but shes all i had and now i dont have her. i cant call her. i cant ask for anything. she doesnt help me financially and she causes detriment to me emotionally and spiritually. and now my father, who has become nothing more than a slip of paper with dollar signs, is going downhill again, losing money, losing patience. why God did you give me parents unfit to even take care of themselves? how i wish i could do something to help but here i am stuck at this fucking pathetic school taking classes and trying to convince myself that one day ill go to grad school and really make something of myself. i dont care anymore, and truth be told i never did. i dont wany anything more than to be a housewife, cook, clean, take care of my children, go to church, heal myself. HEALING. i need that. im an openwound. i am jealous of my best friend and object of my affection. i am jealous because his mother calls him, cares for him, provides for him. jealous that he hasnt stayed up all night in his "home" witih a chair under the door for the fear that his mother might come in and rip him into shreds. jealous that his heart is not completely broken and marred by the uncontrollable instability that can be inflicted on someone by the people that breathed life into them. i cant do it. i want to die so bad i can see blood on my arm or my body in a fetal position on the bed of my apt., unmovable. i dont want to hurt anymore. i want an escape. i want to leave. i fucking hate everyone, even my friends. theres just no way to keep going on a rollercoaster. eventually ill go mad and thats preferable to me honestly. put me back on the fucking pills, keep me on 'em, numb me from this life that haunts me and wracks my bones.

someone might read this. they'll feel bad for a split second, wish they could "do something", or maybe think its just completely ridiculous alltogether. i guess im really the only one that knows what really happened over these past 9 years to have made me this way. i was alone in my thoughts the whole time and i still am. theres nothing you can do because you'll never care enough to cry for me. to buy me a ticket out of this mess, to tell the fucking parental figures in my life how destroying themselves has destroyed me. and thats your lot in life. enjoy.

i might quit school, i might transfer, i might get hit by a car. whats the point... they all end the same way.

self-analysis... again

God is all i need, and i know that, but putting my life on track with that notion is far more than simple.

Mother kills me. Her lack of smooth transitioning from brutality to amiability has been a slow strangulation my whole life until now. This alone could be the cause of my brain and body connection gone awry. Of course, it isn't. A world more of explanations can be found, but tell me what is the reason in figuring out what all of those reasons are. Surely they're irrevocable, the past cannot be changed.

Father shoves me to the side, makes me the lonely pot of boiling water stuck on the back burner. The main courses never include me. I'm forever stuck in this spot solely because of where i fell on the time line. What a burden - to lose the interest of a paternal figure because more of you came along. The sixth time around he finally figured out that divorce really DOES hurt children so i suppose that made him try to be a better father, but only selectively. how pathetic. he once told me that his biggest fear was letting his children down, sometimes i think he forgets i'm one of those. or maybe he simply has no idea that he loves them more than me. i guess i should be grateful i'm not one of the completely forgotten, but maybe once i reach a certain age, i'll blend completely into the background. i'll be the empty pot in the cabinet, out of sight out of mind. i seem to be slipping further away. he seems less and less affected by the sound of my voice. i'll disappear completely before long.

I was born out of bitter love affair, brewing hatred, and cast into a broken world by broken people.

i am really a terrible writer.

null and void

im tired of living. mostly because its not really living. itd be easier if i just exploded, but is easier better? dammit who cares. i end up looking through pictures of friends of friends on facebook late at night just wallowing in how boring my life is compared to theirs. i slowly die just realizing how pathetic i am sitting here night after night staring blankly at the computer screen just wishing it would like give me an answer to my imminent problem of... forget it.

goodnight.

anxiety journal

for now, im going to use this as an anxiety journal just for myself really.

today i feel really anxious. this is pretty usual, but its just getting out of hand. i have to leave for class in about 10 minutes and im extremely tempted to just not go. i feel like the only time im "okay" is sitting, dumbfounded in front of the tv. its sort of manifesting itself as social anxiety, but not to an extreme point. i just dont feel like going to class, walking out in public, going anywhere, even if its fun. its just easier to curl up in bed and watch tv, but not just easier, its like painful to go outside. i get short of breath, fatigued, and withdrawn. its exhausting and dehumanizing.

i cant make phonecalls i need to either. bills stress me out, even if i have the money to pay them. its not like its tests or work or any normal stressors that make me this way, its the simple TASK of living. waking up is a chore and getting through the day is just as bad, often worse. in fact, work is one of the only times im more or less okay. i get down there too, but the constant business of the job keeps my mind balanced instead of stressed. its weird!

when i woke up this morning, i felt dizzy/lightheaded/weak whenever i would make sudden moves or sit down and stand up. after i had coffee i felt nauseated for a moment, but not necessarily just from the coffee, it just made me feel like sick with stress.

ive been trying to eat healthier because i worry about dying young too. yet another glorious symptom of my GAD. obviously its good to eat healthy, but i still am too inclined to sit on my couch and stare at the tv and/or computer rather than actually get outside and exercise, even though it makes me feel better.

im really tired of feeling this way. sometimes i get to the point where i feel like im just going to explode. im tempted to take a xanax, but all it does is honestly just make me even more fucking tired. its an endless cycle really. i can help it but i cant beat it. id really like to go to a psychiatrist, but i have no insurance which makes me more anxious because its out of my control. i cant get insurance through my job right now because i dont work enough hours every week to be eligable, and quite frankly, im not going to up my hours to do it. my dad keeps claiming ill have coverage soon, so we'll see. fuck no we won't see what am i saying? i need health insurance. urgh.

i gotta fucking go to class.

i'm sick of trying to come up with good titles so this entry doesn't get one

i'm sick of all of this. god it's excruciating. it's deeper than "anxiety", it's my entire being. life just seems like a big tease, like i'm some god forsaken rat on a plastic wheel. i hate it. the whole thing is a big steaming pile of shit. i hate sorority girls and fraternity guys and their matching sunglasses and their blinding arrogance. goddamn them all. sometimes i wish i'd wake up and auburn would be engulfed in flames, preferably one saturday during football season. this town, this state, this country is smothering me. i hate the fact that right now i could be making a decent living, married to randall, and relatively happy, but instead im spending 14 hours a week in bullshit classes, stressed out, working only about 12 hours a week and bored and annoyed out of my skull. i dont have time for fun, i dont even know how to have fun anymore. whats with this world? why do we think this is what life is about? it's a bunch of SHIT! i'm sick of commercials telling you how to make more money and be more successful and lose weight the easy way... why can't we just get off our fucking asses and do something for a change. im really pissed off. maybe im manic, maybe im stressed out... im sick of the lables, ironically enough, psychology can't save me. i'm a logical freethinker with 20 year old mind thats sick and fucking tired of everything i see. i dont know whats gonna happen in my life and i know i shouldnt worry because it will work out, but thats a load of shit at the same time because you have to DO something for something to HAPPEN. and well im in this whole mess of being at a school thats a big joke because the two words that sum it up are football and tigers, which any nitwit knows has nothing to do with education, and basically being miserable with the fact that ive got a big polished boot stepping on my head everyday, reminding me that 4 to 5 years from now i will JUST be starting a real career. hooray. lets be real fucking happy about that. while all these jackasses guzzle their beers and fondle themselves i'm drowning in these life-draining thoughts.

every waking moment of my life i spend like a caged animal, misguidedly spinning my wheel.

a rite of passage

most people my age will look back on their college years and remember a time like no other; chocked full of parties, dances, lots of alcohol, lots of friends, and way more fun than any responsible adult in the working world could ever have. but not for me, and i don't regret that. when i look back on college in a few years, i'll remember him, because falling in love with him is the only milestone college needed to offer me. each time i look into those eyes, i see something beyond human, beyond anything imaginable to the mind, but only known in my heart. that boy is an angel, sent down from heaven to make the world just a little better and give my world a whole new perspective. and once college is over for me, i get to spend the rest of my life in matrimony with that glorious piece of work that God hand-crafted. i am truly fortunate.

tick tick tick tick BOOOOOOOM

ahh the sweet sound of an emotional explosion. if i could only hold my tounge at all times instead of just around the catalyst for my anger. so if i could wrap up everything i'm feeling in one sentence right now it would be...

i cannot deal with crazy people anymore.

there are other feelings tied in with that one, but its outstanding at the moment. morgan sent me straight over the edge. apparently i am not one to deal well with people blaming me for a number of things that i've never done or had any association with, but show me one person who is okay with it. but no, i'm not just not okay, i'm terrible at it. i'm so livid right now i want to beat the shit out of something because i have a fuming temper that can only be calmed down by time. a terrible character trait? yes, but i have no idea how to control it. it literally feels like this hot fit of rage shoots through my body like a rocket from my feet to my head, not sparing an inch, until it feels like if i dont AT LEAST scream several cuss words at the top of my lungs i will literally explode. those are the mild ones though, there are some that are much worse. these are what i call rage fits where i literally lose control of my body and mind for about 2 minutes and then need around 30 minutes just to get my heart rate and breathing back to steady rate. my mind becomes consumed with this anger that surpasses anything i can imagine unless im experiencing it. i feel like i could break a person in half and not feel a bit of remorse and not remember ever thinking about doing it. ive broken things, bruised myself, lost my voice from screaming... and this is with a tiny bit of self control. imagine if i let myself punch my mother in the face and pull her hair out while she's pinned to the ground like ive wanted to so many times. itd be possible if i didnt have that tiny bit of logic/ethics still available to me. perhaps this is all thats different between me in a fit of rage and a serial killer. there are people i often times would love to kill, not many, and think of ways they could suffer but i dont do it because of that instilled logic and ethics that are imbedded in my mind. so anyway... end tangent.

i feel better from writing this. basically what happened is i was about to start working on my paper a little more until my mother called me and started discussing this morgan situation with me. first of all, saying morgans name not only makes me ill, but it makes me want to rip someone or something to shreds. but of course, talking to sandra, this was not the only problem that talking about morgan posed. dont fucking interrupt me when im on a tangent about someone whos the living incarnation of the devil to me, im going to lose it. literally every couple of words she would keep telling me i needed to just calm down and trying to explain some stupid shit about why some girls do things like this. i didnt fucking ask for advice, nor do i want to hear it. i want to fucking scream and complain about morgan. so then she tells me that i need to calm down and get over it and that i dont have to deal with her anymore... good grief, are you kidding? you call to talk to me about this bitch thats been fucking me over and making up complete lies about me and even trying to convince ME that they're true just to make herself look good and im supposed to be calm? HA! and of all people to say that i should get over something. shes still not over my dad cheating on her almost 20 years ago.

yes, i wont have to deal with her indirectly or directly in just a few short weeks, but ive been biting my tongue until my mouth is filled with blood and all i want to do is rip her to pieces. give me a few weeks, i will have calmed down, but for right now, all i want is to tell her exactly how i feel. unfortunately, ive had to listen to her bullshit for a year now and havent been able to say anything thats on my mind really for the last two months that shes been bitching me out for things beyond my control so ive played my cards right just until she doesnt owe me anymore money. i want away from her and im finally getting it. thank goodness for that.

so im going back to writing my paper a little bit. i guess ill be up all night since im still on page 3 and its due tomorrow. i dont really care. i do but why complain. theres not much i can do now.

unbridled anger

i'm completely enraged with my life. my doubts about the good points are fading fast and i'm really close to completely snapping.

morgan is a bitch. i hate her. i hate her. i hate her. my life up to this point has been pretty rough, but i made it through with the hopes that college would bring me a greater sense of individualism and a new fresh start. basically, id have more control over what goes on in my life. not the case on so many levels. i do have a wonderful boyfriend and my best friend from middle school and i are still close, but everything else has fucked me over. ever since i moved in with that conniving whore shes treated me like like a fucking dog and its about time she got her head shoved up her ass and her hair pulled out of her head. im motherfucking fed up. ive done nothing to her good-for-nothing lazy ass but pay the bills, clean the apartment, take out her fucking dog when she wasnt even here without complaining and what do i get in return? her big ugly asshole of a motherfucking boyfriend comes in and cusses me out and calls me psychotic. the son of a bitch doesnt even know me. he should be drowned in his own drug-positive piss, that lowlife piece of shit. i dont give a damn if i never see her fucking face again but its not my responsibility to pay for her bills. here i sit, stressed out because something in the apartment is malfunctioning causing the utilities to be THREE TIMES as much as they should be, while IIIII call the office to get them to come out and check while FUCKFACE sits on her skinny ass drinking beer and skipping classes for her half-ass major doing nothing about any of these things. i hope she has the most miserable life. and i hope zach gets so fat he cant move, that ugly bastard. i hate him so much it makes my skin crawl.

if this were the first rough situation id experienced it would be one thing, but its not. ive been unhappy since i was 14 and not because im a "lonely teenager full of angst, trying to find my place in the world, going through a phase" or whatever other statistical bullshit the world throws out there, but because my life has been a rollercoaster spiralling towards the ground since then. i dont even wanna go into details because when i think about it i just want to motherfucking burst into flames. financial problems, emotional problems, anxiety disorder, depression... it never ends. if its not one shitty situation, its another. oh but does randall or lindsay or jenni have these problems? no. allison? lauren? no. no no no no NO! i couldnt even have a real friend for a year bc i had to LIE to them bc my mother was afraid someone might think we were poor. my stepdad died without a penny to his name because the poor thing was mentally ill and then developed cancer. my mother treated me like shit through all of highschool so i came out with emotional issues.

end rant for now.