Philippians 2: 6-8

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
and being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obediant to death-
even death on a cross.

key word: humble

i used to pray a lot for God to humble me, something i don't think about nearly as often but yet something that i should. we all should. humility. to become nothing for a greater purpose, to put others first. its hard to imagine actually having that mindset but i can't feel guilty for that, i shouldn't be able to conceive such a high idea. though high it is not outrageous. God, through me, can acheive humility on His earth, not mine. i don't own anything, it's God's. my body is God's. when i hurt it i hurt God. it's all very confusing really. i feel as though each time i think on these sorts of things i don't pull any closer to God, not enough at least. the spark is not ignited to set me ablaze and go out and live. mostly and really entirely because God is not in me. He's distant because i'm making him that way. i will continue to pray, and pray more even, so that this God i fear and love beyond explanation can be something more concrete to me - in a purposeful way. it seems so strange that this is the biggest decision a human can make and though i know which way my heart truly desires, i fall back on the security of a life of nothingness. i suppose it isn't so strange. life is one big paradox.